THE KARL MALDEN DREAM

For some reason I found myself at a very lavish party at a table with a 50 year old Karl Malden.   The women had their hair up and wore beautiful night gowns and the fellas sat spankin clean in black tie, though I was in a sport coat, you know, a kind of rag taggy thing a fella puts together for nice occasions he never attends.   Malden clearly relished his star status and the young upper crusties around him played right into it, all wittily and elegantly soaking in the moment.   Of course Malden's voice dominated the action and though he tried to be humble, his self-indulgent reminisces could not be contained, especially when coaxed out of him by his sycophants.

            I have to admit I indeed felt excited to be in the company of such a legend.   I first knew of Malden by his American Express ads that aired in the 70's when I was a boy.   I remember my mom giving him props for being an excellent actor and me not quite believing such a ridiculous looking man with a somewhat stodgy gruff voice could actually have talent.   But as I became older I saw him in a “Streetcar Named Desire” with the awesome young Brando as well as in a film where he played a ruthless tobacco farmer in Connecticut, my home state.   I remember the latter because I learned my home state supplied the tough tobacco used for cigar wrappers.   How fascinating for such a cold climate!   I could go on but it suffices to say I learned my mother was right, Malden was a powerful screen presence, though due to his looks and natural stodginess he never or perhaps almost never played the cool guy, the hero, you know, the guy you like a lot.

            Now Malden was going on about some legendary actor he knew or something and for some reason which evades me, I cut him off with a loud shout, “Silence, young man!”   Now I shout this in a faux, haughty, snotty English accent to friends in jest at times but to freakin Karl Malden it was supremely inappropriate.   The table went silent and Malden was fuckin pissed.   I mean who the Hell was this irreverent young fuck-of-a no-name to joke with him like that?   Ostracized and feeling stupid, I sat at a loss for words but at the same time it was funny as fuck what I had done to Karl freakin Malden.   I started to apologize but I could see the longer I stayed the more pissed Malden was becoming so I got up to leave.   I started weaving through the tables to get to the exit when I realized Malden was on my trail wanting to kick my ass.   Half laughing and half scared at the large imposing Malden, I managed to beat him to the elevator and close the door before he got there.   But Malden was no quitter, he was fuckin pissed and decided to race me down by using the stairs.   When I exited the elevator there was Malden, angrily fighting through the crowd to get a piece of me.  

            Somehow I got away and the next day I found myself in an office, recounting the Malden episode to a friend and some other guy I knew.

            “I mean shit I don't know what the fuck happened…I mean the words just shot out of my mouth,'Silence young man' which felt ridiculous since Malden is so much freakin older than me”

            My friend who finds my “Silence, young man” bearable was thoroughly amused and the other sat there listening as I continued the story.   Then I noticed the other guy looked remarkably like a young Karl Malden.   I mean I could see the resemblance in the bulbous nose split into two parts and the wide face.

  I said, “Good Lord, you know you look a little like Karl Malden.” Actually I was being nice because the fucker looked just like him and anyway I figured he had to know.   Instead he got freakin pissed and vehemently denied the fact.   He ended up chasing my ass out of the room wanting to beat me up.   What could I do, I mean the guy looked just like freakin Karl Malden!

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